Your sperm can be contaminated by pesticides

Kiyo: According to Daily Times, researches have shown that pesticides and other insect killer chemicals could affect the quality of sperm in men.

"Other environmental elements that affect sperm quality include: extended exposure to industrial chemicals like herbicides, pesticides, organic solvents and painting materials. Indiscriminate exposure to these elements should be limited, if not avoided because low sperm count and poor sperm quality are the causes of infertility in men," the finding said.

Filo: Na today! Farmers who make use of herbicides and pesticides have more children compared to you and me. Abi your own low too?

Kiyo: Half a word is enough for the prudent.

MONALISA CHINDA and LANRE NZERIBE: Any Hope For the Altar?

Filo: After Monalisa Chinda and club owner/businessman Lanre Nzeribe publicly lifted the ‘veil of incorporation’ during her daughters’ birthday celebration in UK, the question on every lip is 'when is the IV coming out'?

Kiyo: How does that sound ‘Monalisa Chinda Nzeribe (MCN for short)’, can’t wait!

Louis Vuitton bags to get even MORE expensive – Up to 12 per cent increase in prices.

Filo: Louis Vuitton has raised the prices on its best-selling monogram accessories by up to 12per cent. Antoine Belge, an analyst at HSBC, revealed the cost increase applies to non-leather goods such as the popular canvas versions of the Speedy handbag and Neverfull tote.

Kiyo: Boys are not smiling

Filo: As if you have choice.

Kiyo: No problem, at least we have some Lewis Voltron for Oshodi. All of them na LV.

Pope Francis celebrates first Easter Mass as Pontiff

Kiyo: Pope Francis celebrated his first Easter Mass as pontiff before a packed crowd at St. Peter's Square in the Vatican on Sunday. Dressed in full white, Francis addressed a sea of Catholics carrying flags from around the world. He is expected to deliver his Urbi et Orbi -- "to the city and the world" -- blessing at noon (6 a.m. ET) Sunday from his papal balcony.

Filo: The papal regalia and insignia is just awesome, I receive my Easter blessing too.

Rihanna named most influential Pop Star

Kiyo: According to a list compiled by 4Music, Rihanna emerged as the most influential Pop Star beating Beyonce and Boy Band one Direction to the Second and third place.

Filo: What was the criterion?

Kiyo: It involves an analysis of social media activity, airplay and press coverage.  Anyway, she has this to say "I only know how to be number 1!! I could use a challenge... How dat feel down there on ya knees, Huh?!,"

Filo: Now I understand, its Riri vs B, they say ‘whom the gods would destroy they first make mad’

Kiyo: You can’t be so sure.

Olamide - Stupid Love Video Is Out

Kiyo: The fierceness of DMX, the confidence of Eminem and the Spirit of Dagrin, all combined in one person.

Filo: This dude is going somewhere.

EASTER EXAM: 70% Score means you are too sharp

Kiyo and Filo: Got this from a friend, just our own way of wishing you a happy Easter Celebration.

1ST SEMESTER EXAM

Attempt all questions. Time: 1hr 30 mins

Section A (All questions carry equal marks)

1. What are the names of the two people holding hands when you switch on a Nokia phone?

2. If the past tense of Take is Took, what is the past tense of Make?

3. Which university in Nigeria has the highest number of ladies using blackberry phones?

4. If Buhari is a friend to Obasanjo on facebook, who sent the friend request and why?

5. If the cost of moi-moi is N10.50, what is the cost of moi ?

6. Who ate the missing part of the apple logo?

SECTION B

1. Between the Nigerian police and Nigerian girls, who likes money more?

2. Using the almighty formula, calculate the diameter of elegushi beach. (Take pi=3.142)

3. If Ada is a girl and Obi is a boy, who is Adaobi?

4. If your x-boyfriend/girlfriend wins N50,000,000 on who wants to be a millionaire after you 

broke up, find the value of X?

5. If it takes Goodluck 1 hour to deliver a typed speech in a national conference.

How many days will it take Patience to deliver the same speech on the same occasion?

SECTION C

1) Tuface was given a Prado and Ferarri on his traditional wedding and white wedding respectively. There is every likelihood that D Banj has gone ahead to print wedding invitation cards without an available bride. Discuss

2) Write an essay of 1, 500 words on 'My Oga At The Top'

NO SIDE TALK… NO CHEATING… GOOD LUCK

Aero Contractors Resumes Flights

Kiyo: Aero Contractors resumed flights yesterday after two weeks of suspension of service. The airline claimed it has recalled over 600 workers it sacked about two weeks ago.

Filo: Not sure about that, but I gathered Aero is yet to refund passengers money after cancelling their flight on March 13, 2013.

Kiyo: Still investigating, would come up shortly with more facts.

Pasadena City College Offers Course titled "Navigating Pornography"

Kiyo: Pasadena City College, a community college located in Pasadena, California is offering a course entitled “Navigating Pornography,” which is designed to give folks a chance to study the adult industry in an academic setting.

Filo: You are joking, is it with visual content?

Kiyo: Well, the lecturer, Dr Hugo Schwyzer says no porn will be shown in class; instead students will be assigned viewings as homework.

Filo: Home work on navigating pornography! Who is this Prof?

Kiyo: Dr Hugo Schwyzer is a 44-year-old professor with a PhD in church history from UCLA. The so-called "male feminist," offers other courses with titles like Gay and Lesbian American History and Men and Masculinity.

Imo Deputy Gov, Agbaso, Impeached

Filo: The Deputy Governor, Jude Agbaso, who had been under investigation by the House of Assembly over a bribery allegation, has finally been impeached after weeks of dramatic suspense. Consequent upon Agbaso’s removal, Madumere was nominated and immediately cleared by the state assembly yesterday to take over as the new deputy governor of the state.

His nomination was contained in a letter by Governor Rochas Okorocha to the House in which he nominated his chief of staff as replacement for the former deputy governor.

Kiyo: It seems like a mafia movie, so fast. I thought there was a court order stopping the impeachment process, besides the state assembly had adjourned sitting till April 9, 2013, how did they convene?

Filo: But you know this is a case of alleged corruption and Agbaso has been accused of demanding and receiving a bribe of N458 million from a firm, JPROS International Ltd., which was awarded a construction contract by the Imo State Government.

Kiyo: I agree, but note that the Agbaso family engaged the services of forensic auditors who came up with some facts about the where about of the funds. But wait first; who are these auditors, how independent are they? I hope is not one of those Pa Alasko and Sons kind of audit firm.

Filo: Naija politics, survival of the fittest, elimination of the unfit.

LIL WAYNE OPENS UP: “I’M AN EPILEPTIC. I’M PRONE TO SEIZURES.”

Kiyo: After series of seizures coupled with the rumour that Lil Wayne is addicted to codeine cough syrup, the rapper finally broke the silence when he spoke with Power106 in LA today. His words;

“The bad news is I’m an epileptic. I’m prone to seizures. This isn’t my first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh seizure. I’ve had a bunch of seizures, ya’ll just never hear about them. But this time it got real bad ’cause I had three of them in a row and on the third one, my heart rate went down to like 30 percent. Basically, I could have died, so that is why it was so serious.”

Filo: Eh ya, the rich also cry

DO YOU KNOW: Today's Feature is BEYONCE

1. Beyonce’s middle name is Giselle, in German, it means ‘Pledge’. The name Beyonce is Tina’s (B’s mother) maiden name

2. When Beyoncé was a child, her father/manager made her run a mile while singing, so she would be able to perform on stage without becoming exhausted.

3. Beyoncé’s mom says her daughter was a lonely kid who played with imaginary friends. “At lunchtime, I’d go to her school and she’d be pushing an empty swing, acting like there was somebody on it,” Tina Knowles told Elle Magazine.

4. Her first group, Destiny’s Child, was put together by her parents in 1990, when Beyonce was just nine.  With all four girls growing up in deeply religious Christian households, the group’s name was taken from the Book of Isaiah – in which destiny and God’s promise to the faithful are a central theme.  Then, in 2005, Destiny’s Child was paid $2 million to perform at the bar Mitzvah of British retail billionaire Philip Green’s 13-year-old son.

Prostitute who ‘died’ during sex comes back to life inside coffin

Filo: Kiyo please relax, make I enterthrill my people small

A prostitute in Zimbabwe ‘died’ during a hotel romp with a client last week. The call girl reportedly collapsed during a sex session at the Manor Hotel in Bulaweyo.

Convinced she was dead, her shocked client called the police – who sent paramedics to collect the body.

Kilo: Wow, ordinarily it is men that collapse after much action; this guy must be a robot.

Filo: The local news claimed as they were loading the ‘corpse’ into a metal coffin, the hooker suddenly woke up, leaped from the casket, yelling: “You want to kill me, you want to kill me”. Terrified staff and guests at the hotel, who had gathered to watch the scene unfold, fled in panic.

Kiyo: You know this is Easter period, anything can happen.

2face Idibia, Banky W, D’Banj, P-Square Make Top 10 Richest African Artistes List

Kiyo: Nigerian superstars 2face Idibia, D’Banj, P-Square and Banky W, have been included in Africa Answers’ list of ten wealthiest artistes.

P-Square is adjudged to be the richest Nigerian artistes, only second to Senegalese singer Youssou N’Dour in Africa. D’Banj is in 3rd place, 2face Idibia occupies the 7th position while EME boss, Bank W comes in at 9th place.

Filo: This Africa Answers people are not Africans at all; in Africa your children are part of your wealth, 2face should be number 1. 

Juju Music star, Wale Thompson, stages comeback with new album

Kiyo: Remember Wale Thompson? The “Lalale Friday” crooner is set to release his fifth album titled - No Rival, and he said his latest album will make him great again.

Filo: Confidence mode activated!

Kiyo: The album which will be out in stores across the nation during this Easter period contains 5 songs: Morning Till Night, Back in the Groove, Everybody loves Wale Thompson, Mapolongo Jesu and Iba fun Jehovah.

Filo: Hope you know his last album was released in 2004, and now, he says ‘No rival’. Bros abeg, competition full ground.

IYANYA TO REP NIGERIA ON BIG BROTHER AFRICA 8

Kiyo: According to reports from GlitzGhana.com, Nigeria’s rave of the moment, Iyanya and Ghana’s BET Award winner - Sarkodie could be on their way to the Big Brother Africa house for the 8th edition of the popular continental show.

Filo: When is it starting?

MADONNA: THE LATEST BILLIONAIRE

Filo: According to the New York Post, Madonna has reached a networth of $1 billion, not naira please.

Kiyo: Abeg na lie, she is into coke business

Filo: You need to wake up, don’t you know her worth for some time now has been around $700 million. This year, thanks to her MDNA tour raking in over $305 million and $85 million merchandise and DVD sales, and TV rights

Kiyo: My gat, see pepper

Filo: She also earned $60 million with her perfume and could rake in $10 million more this year from her Material Girl clothing line.

Oh, and let's not forget to mention her gym, Hard Candy, and clever investments in brands like Vita Coco.

Kiyo: Are you serious?

Filo: Don't forget to close your mouth before flies...

Briton kidnapped in Lagos freed

Filo: A British businessman kidnapped last week in Lagos has been released, Britain's Foreign Office website reports today. The statement on the website reads "A British national was kidnapped on Victoria Island, Lagos on 23 March (and was) subsequently released on 27 March"

Kiyo: I also heard the Nigerian police confirmed that the man was trailed on his way back from a nightclub in Victoria Island at around 11 p.m.

Filo: This is bad news for night life

Kiyo: Don’t worry your small head, they are not after people like you; the dude works for an oil company.

TODAY'S KAFOJ

LUNCH MONEY

Mama Nkechi was flogging her son, and then a neighbour came to the boys’ rescue.

See their conversation below.

Neighbour: Why are you flogging the poor boy mercilessly?

Mama Nkechi: Don’t mind him, if I have my way he won’t eat anything in this house again.

Neighbour: What did he do?

Mama Nkechi: Can you imagine, Junior just swallowed the money I gave him.

Neighbour: Why would he do a thing like that?

Mama Nkechi: He said it was because ‘I said the money was his lunch money’

HOW DO YOU DOUBLE YOUR MONEY

In an investment training session, Onos was asked “what is the quickest way to double your money?

He answered “It depends on you but for me, I will just fold it into half”

21 million Ghanaians lack access to safe toilet

Kiyo: A friend in Kumasi sent this to me few weeks back; could this be true? Does it mean their houses are built without toilet?

Filo: But wait first, If the thing hold you for night nko, how you wan do am?

Nelson Mandela back in hospital with lung infection

Kiyo: Nelson Mandela has been admitted to a hospital with a lung infection, officials in South Africa said. According to a statement from the office of President Jacob Zuma, the 94-year-old former president and anti-apartheid leader went to hospital just before midnight.

Filo: We pray for speedy recovery; once saw a sticker that says ‘a good master deserves good prayer’

Details from

BRANDY PICKS MAID OF HONOR, NO WEDDING DATE YET

Filo: Appearing on "The Wendy Williams Show," Brandy revealed the fact that she has selected one member of her bridal party and that is the maid of honour.

"I just thought that would be a special moment for us,” Brandy told Williams, announcing the fact that her daughter, Syrai, will be the maid of honour.

Kiyo: It’s ok, if she is not sure of the date, at least she is sure of the maid of honour, or may be Ryan Press would announce the date.

TWITTER BATTLE: MIKE EPPS vs KEVIN HART

Kiyo: Comedian/actor Mike Epps ruffled feathers on Twitter when he took jabs at fellow comedian Kevin Hart calling him a ‘Drunk pug’. Kevin Hart replied ‘I googled Mike Epps just now and my computer said NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE, should have tried this search in 2006’

Filo: Oh boy! When two comedians battle, it is the people that will benefit, cos they would enjoy free jokes

Kiyo: I just hope we won’t have a replica in Naija, because we like to copy a lot.

Blackface: I Was Not Invited To 2face's wedding

Filo: Augustine Ahemdu, popularly known in the entertainment circle as Blackface recently expressed his grievance on Twitter when a fan asked him why he was not at 2Face/Annie’s wedding. His reponse “I no dey go where I no dey invited”

Kiyo: But seriously, 2face why na, is Augustine the only artist with a blackface in Nigeria?

Justin Bieber Strips Again

Kiyo: According to nydaily news, Teenage pop star Justin Bieber paraded through a Polish airport shirtless before flying out of the country, adding to a string of peculiar incidents that have plagued his European tour.

Filo: Can you imagine, with the cold weather. Is he on something? Somebody should talk to this boy before it’s too late. They say the first time is accident; second time is coincidence, third time, na God hand.

Kiyo: A spokeswoman for Lodz Airport even confirmed that 'He wasn't told to take off his clothes. He had no metal objects on him’

R2Bees to launch second album on Good Friday

Kiyo: Ghana music duo R2Bees is set to release their second album – Refuse to Be Broke (Da Revolution II) on Good Friday, March 29. The launch of the much anticipated album would be going down at the Silver lounge, Accra Mall, Accra.

The group, made up of Faisal Hakeem (Paedae da Pralem) and Rashid Mugeez (Mugeez) have released 4 singles already including their hit track – Life.

Filo: I like that track Life, but I am not comfortable with the album title “Refuse to Be Broke”. Dem think say na by like that, they should ask Cedar Walton what happened after they released their Breakthrough album. It was break down all the way.

Kiyo: See beefing! Refuse to be broke is actually the full meaning of R2Bees. Up Tema.

TODAY'S KAFOJ

FACEBOOK FRIENDS

Husband: How many friends do you have on facebook?

Wife: 500

Husband: How many of them are men?

Wife: 170

Husband: How many of the men are single?

Wife: 40

Husband: How many of those single men are feminine in nature?

Wife: None

Husband: Too bad for me

Wife: Why, why the questions?

Husband: Well, i just discovered am a gay

Wife fainted.

Bayelsa Govt Releases N302 Million for WAEC/NECO Fees

Kiyo: Bayelsa State Government has released N302 million for the payment of examination fees for students from the state for the 2012/2013 Senior Secondary School examinations conducted by WAEC and NECO. The cheque was presented by the Gov. Seriake Dikson to the Commissioner for Education, Chief Salo Adikumo in Yenagoa today.Gov. Dickson said the money was also meant for the purchase of science materials in schools for the conduct of the May/June  examinations.

Filo: The part I loved most was when the Governor sounded a note of warning to the   education authorities. He said they should resist the temptation of extortion and racketeering, and called on the students to justify government’s investment in their education.

Kiyo: He has to, if not, why not. In fact, something tells me that the money would be more than enough, so we expect the Commissioner to return some change after the exercise; and for the students, if you no pass this exam, walahi, just quietly refund the money and note that there is no second chance for you.

Why Will Smith turned down Django Unchained

Kiyo: Do you know Will Smith was initially offered the title role in Django Unchained, only to turn it down and see the part eventually go to Jamie Foxx?

Filo: Django Unchained? Ok, that Quentin Tarantino film about black slavery and racism. But why did he reject the role?

Naeto C Jnr is born

Kiyo: The only MC with an MSC is a proud father of a bouncing baby boy.

Filo: Congrats to them, can’t wait to hear a song about his baby.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DIANA ROSS and JAY SEAN

Filo: Wow! Diana Ernestine Earle Ross, popularly known as Diana Ross is 69 today, how time flies. The one time lead singer of the Motown group The Supremes has sold more than 100 million records worldwide and had a total of 70 hit singles in her musical career.

Jay Sean who was born as Kamaljit Singh Jhooti is 32 today, he is a British singer, song writer and record producer with hit singles like Down and Do you remember.

Kiyo: Happy birthday to them and other celebrants. Hmmm, 69, I like that.

TODAY'S KAFOJ

PREGNANT MUM

Junior: Anytime my mum is pregnant, she will be spitting everywhere, I don’t like it at all.

Koko: See you better thank God for your portion, mine is worse. When my mum is pregnant, she would be eating as if there is no tomorrow; even the half gala I brought from school yesterday is still missing. Whenever you ask her, she would say “is not her but the baby in her womb”

Lil Wayne takes it back to his roots

Kiyo: Despite Lil Wayne's recent medical scare that dominated music news for days, the visionary rapper is on track to release his new album - I Am Not a Human Being.

Filo: If it was a Nigerian artist that survived the seizure, he would release an album titled “Thank you God” or “na God”

Kiyo: Can you imagine the title “I am not a Human Being”, may be he’s a god?

Ngozi Nwosu Discharged

Filo: I told you Ngozi Nwosu was going to pull through right.?

Kiyo: Ok, what country was she flown to for the operation?

Filo: What has the country got to do with it?

Kiyo: Hmmm, no talk so, most people who were flown to a particular country for treatment did not come back alive.

Filo: Particular country ke! You mean India?

Kiyo: Na you talk am o.